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I've decided that I'm looking for peace.

Not in the save-the-world/whales/rainforest/Afghan People kinda way, but peace on the inside.

I reckon that's worth more than all the moolah, power-trips, booze (ok maybe not the booze) and other external trappings of the good life that we all spend so much of our time running after these days.

It's been awhile since I've felt that dark, cool, empty space inside my head that I used to run to when I was younger when I needed to find my balance. It was an amazingly comforting place for me and everything became ironically clearer and brighter when I went there. I always thought better, saw things in different perspectives and stopped feeling trapped. Now that was peace.

Over the years, I guess I forgot to rely on that almost spiritual kind of inner quietness and just got on with stuff. That seemed the most expedient way to get through life and get where I wanted to go. Of course, I soon lost sight of where that was exactly, as is so often the case when one gets too caught up in the journey and forgets to look up to get their bearings.

So I've been moving along, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. But always moving. Things have happened. People have changed. I have changed. But I'm not as aware or sensitive to such ripples anymore. I find it's easier to brush it away and focus on the bright and shiny aspects of life. Not to drag the analogy out too much but I'm starting to OD on the glare.

I want that dark space again where I can remind myself that there is a meaning to all this madness and nonsense. That we're not just pinballs in a giant pinball machine...bouncing from bright light to bell to bright light and back.

Problem is that, like everything else, it takes practice to make that space and be able to find it.

I reckon that's why I like to go to clubs every once in awhile because it artificially creates that dark space for me. And once I manage to close off the noise or make it blend into a wall of sound...it becomes quite comforting too. I would close my eyes and lose myself in there if I wasn't afraid some ah beng knocking me over as he did the actions to YMCA.

It's a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon. And I have a ton of work to get through before the test tomorrow morning, and Cadence later in the week. I need peace. Out.

Hi to Ben's sister and he was very well-behaved last night. Heh.

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